my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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