She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
