I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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