remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
