I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
