Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
