My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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