Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
