They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize