When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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