Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
