turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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