Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
