The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
