her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
