I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
