Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
