dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
