She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
