My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My vagina is very pro this idea
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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