I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
