About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
