FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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