Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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