Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
farters have to be the big spoon...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
