its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
