her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
