I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
