So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
