Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
