You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
