Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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