How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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