Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
