saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We have so much sex to catch up on
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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