It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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