My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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