i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
