ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Please, let me fuck your mom
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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