Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize