we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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