Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
