That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
