just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
