Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
