im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
