oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
