Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
