cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
