I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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