Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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