I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
