why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
