I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
