Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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