You made me cry and you don't even care
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
