I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize