He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
