i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
