kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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