pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize