its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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