ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
