His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize