I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
