I CAN MOONWALK!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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